Tomo 5
Numero 29
May 2004

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Torn between two lovers

Dear Joe,

Hello and Godís blessings be with youÖ Iím Mavie, 26 years old, working in one of the international companies in Manila. You could say that compared to my other friends, I am quite successful in my chosen career, to the point of being an object of envy to some of them. They think I have it all.

I have been an avid listener of Love Notes for so long now and although there were times that Iím on the verge of writing to you because of what seems like a big heart problem it is only now that I really need an advice. Iím really confused and lives are at stake.

You see, I have a boyfriend of eight months, Mark. I met him thru a common friend and we it hit off instantly and after a month of dates, constant telephone calls and some sacrifices on his part ( I live in the province, he is in Manila, he commutes just to see me), we became a couple. It was a happy time for both of us and all of our friends as well as our families approved of the match. They thought that we were so lucky to have found each other, but as the saying goes, not everything is what it seems.

You see, Joe, I have a boyfriend for two years now, before I met Mark. He is Bryan and weíre still together up to now. Maybe youíre going to ask why? Bryan is married when I met him at a friendís party two years ago, but that did not stop him from courting me, saying that for a long time his wife and him are having problems and soon they are going to file for the annulment of their marriage since theirs is only a marriage by name now. They do not love each other anymore and are just staying together for the sake of their two kids.

I really love Bryan, to the point of honestly waiting for him to annul his marriage with his wife. There were times when I felt like giving up especially when his wife found out about me and really got angry, calling me names and cursing me to hell and back. But, as I said, I really love Bryan so I waited and sacrificed.

During our relationship, which not all the time was smooth, I had several suitors whom all thought I am unattached. I tried to go out with them. There were some who I thought could replace Bryan. But in the end it just didnít work out, until I met Mark. Thatís when my problem started.

I tried to break it up with Bryan by being honest with him about Mark. But instead of breaking up with me, Bryan forgave me about Mark so we are still together. But I can only be with one of them. The sad fact is Bryan is always threatening suicide every time I tried to break it up with him. In fact, for the past months, he had several accidents because he was always so drunk and he doesnít know what heís doing.

But the point is, as the time goes by, Iím starting to know Mark, and several times when we have a fight, it seems that I am having second thoughts if I really love him. He has this attitude of not talking to me for days, I cried all these times feeling that I am so not worthy of him because he can really make me feel worthless. I tried to talk it out with him, but when his anger subsides, itís as if nothing has happened and heís the same sweet, caring, thoughtful person that I loved from the start. During these fights, my refuge was Bryan, coz with him everything is different. I feel so loved, accepted and cared for.

Bryan and I still see each other. His marriage is already annulled and he is just waiting for my decision. Mark has already proposed marriage and I accepted it not knowing what else to do. He is already planning it for this year and I canít do anything. He already bought a house for us to live when we get married. Bryan on the other hand is expecting that we will leave the country to be with each other to start a new life.

What will I do? Iím so confused, and although Bryan is trying to act as normal as he can I know he is on the verge of doing something that will eventually hurt him and I donít want that to happen because despite everything, I really love him. Weíve been through a lot and despite all of those; I can still feel how much he loves me. Mark, on the other hand, has no clue of Bryanís role in my life, but I know when he finds out, he will have no second thoughts of leaving me. What do I do, Joe? Whom do I choose? Sometimes, I just think of going the easy way and not choosing any of them, thinking it is my karma for getting in to this mess and ending up hurting a lot of people. I am so confused right now, even my work is affected already. I donít know what to do Joe, please help. I donít have anyone whom I can tell my situation because I know they wouldnít understand. Please help me, before itís too late.



Dear Mavie,

It seems that you have been trapped in a situation that is really very difficult to handle. Committing yourself to two men at the same time is a very delicate matter especially if they are both serious with you. I know that the hardest part of being torn between two people equally important to you is when you have to choose just one. Who would it be? The man who knows everything or the man who you have kept a very devastating secret from.

Mavie, I have always been a very strong advocate for honesty in relationships. I believe that unless we can openly express who we are, good or bad, can we truly say that we are secured in a relationship. Most relationships are strained by misdeeds that were either purposely or unintentionally done. When our partners do things that they know would hurt us and we find out about it, we feel cheated and disrespected. But , then this would be a great challenge to our love for those persons because one of the most conclusive tests to relationships is when one person intentionally does something the he or she knows would hurt us bad. Our reaction and eventual acceptance or refusal will spell out clearly where our relationship stands.

Mavie, I believe that Mark deserves to know the truth even if it hurts. You cannot lie to him forever. This would also give you a clear picture of his true feelings for you. Whether he would accept or deny you would depend on how much he truly loves you. Bryan, in a way, has already proven that, because he was able to accept you in spite of having a relationship with another man.

Mavie, ask God for a sign. The man who stays is the man who loves you. If they both stay, then you have to make a choice. One of them is bound to get hurt but that is just the way it is. Sincerely ask for forgiveness for your misdeeds but donít carry the burden of guilt that they will try to put on your shoulder for hurting them. They are responsible for their own lives and well being. Whatever they do out of their devastation is their decision. Itís their choice, not yours.

Mavie, this is not as helpless as it seems. There is a way out of this mess. You just have to be honest and openly accept the consequences of your actions. There is one person meant for you and you will know it only when you lay down all your cards and reveal to them who you really are. Good luck Mavie and I hope youíll find the man who will love you for what you are and all that you have been.

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ang inyong liham para kay Joe Dí Mango sa


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